Like OMG! Did you see
The Hills last night? Like, Spencer is like totally the biggest douche! Heidi was all like "I don't know what to do" but Spencer was all "SURPRISE!" so Heidi was like "I'm so happy!" and LC was all "You're moving out today?!" and Heidi was like "I'm cooking dinner!" and Whitney was like "I'm so nervous" and Spencer was all "I'm a playboy!" and Audrina was all "My boxes are wet!" OMG! Boys are so disgusting! I have to tell you about it!
If a guy looks at you like this during a date, run far, far, away.
Yes, it's glorious April. It's the most exciting week of the year. Florida enters the record books with back to back NCAA wins, the start of hot dog season, Jack Bauer chasing one-armed bandits, and Spencer Pratt becomes a bigger douchebag than ever before. OK, so maybe that last part isn't so glorious, but it will be so awesome when he finally gets his comeuppance. I want to see his balloon head deflated! C'mon MTV, don't disappoint!
This week's show began with Lauren reminding us how much her life has changed this year. She broke up with J-Wahl, got a new nickname at work (The-Girl-Who-Didn't-Go-To-Paris), took away Jenn Jenner's sidekick status, and was excited that Whitney might become her boss. Oh and I think there was just a teensy little bit about how Spencer is a giant tool. We got to see Spencer kick Heidi out of his Beemer again, but Lauren knew that this probably wasn't the end for Speidi...dunh dunh DUNH!
After those ominous words, we see Heidi walk up and say good morning to Lauren. "What are you doing here?" Lauren asks with a confused look on her face. I guess that must be one exciting book for LC to not even notice that Heidi had spent the night.
Lauren cuts right to the chase by asking Heidi whether she wants to move in with Spencer or not. Because if Heidi leaves, then it'll be time to start scouring the unemployment line for a new sidekick. It's not like there are a bunch of sidekick wannabes just hanging around, you know.
Heidi says that she doesn't know whether she wants to move in with Spencer or not. She wants to make a "rational decision" about this big step and not just move in on a whim. The problem is, if Heidi ever makes a rational decision, the universe would implode and become a tiny olive. Just because.
Thankfully, the universe is saved because soon after Heidi says she doesn't know whether she wants to move in with Spencer, she proclaims, "It's not like I don't want to live with him, because obviously I do." Uh huh. Way to stay with your train of logic there! You go, girl!
Well, it turns out that even though Heidi wants to live with Spencer (or doesn't know if she wants to live with Spencer, as the case may be), she doesn't want to move out because of Lauren. You know, because LC is a great roommate, and great roommates are like accessories. Unless they're dirty and clash with your outfit. Yes, Heidi is trading away a dirty handbag for an even dirtier douchebag.
Come to think of it, if Heidi is only sleeping a couple of nights a month with Lauren, isn't she basically living with Spencer already? Lauren recognizes this and tells Heidi to not use her as an excuse to not move in with Spencer. Lauren then tells her, "You don't even live with me, I live with your stuff." OH SNAP! Wait, does that mean now every day is Lauren and Heidi's-stuff day?
After the opening credits, we learn that the title for the episode is "Goodbye for Now." Ooooh, is someone saying goodbye, only to return next season? Could it be that Heidi will move in with Spencer? Oh wait, they've only just been showing us exactly that in the previews ALL WEEK LONG.
Anyways, we then see Wh-wh-wh-Whitney arrive at
Teen Vogue for her big interview. She's greeted in the lobby by none other than Emily the super flower-intern. I'm surprised she didn't grab the flowers on the table in the lobby and start waxing lyrically about the care of phalaenopsis amabilis. Emily then escorts Whitney down the halls of
Teen Vogue NY. Wait, aren't they competing for the same job? "Oops, sorry Whitney, I accidentally locked you in the janitor's closet!" Although, that would probably be an upgrade from Whitney's desk back in LA. And maybe she could stock up on some more blank Stickys!
Whitney meets up with Amy Astley, editor-in-chief. Amy Astley, Lisa Love...am I seeing a pattern here? I think if Whitney wants to move up the corporate ladder, she's going to have to change her name to Whitney Weischzenuberkraus. It's the
Teen Vogue way of doing things!
Back at Bolthouse Productions, Heidi and her co-workers are sitting on some couches, reading magazine and talking about Spencer. Shouldn't they be working instead? Maybe Elodie and Kristen have some free time, but I'm pretty sure Heidi's schedule is booked solid with start work 9am and finish work 6pm.
Lisa Love would not approve of ripped jeans and flip-flopsHeidi's co-workers don't understand why Heidi is still considering moving in with Spencer. Yeah well, welcome to the REST OF AMERICA. Didn't Heidi break up with Spencer like 2 months ago? Why ARE they back together? I feel like I'm in some time loop where Heidi and Spencer will never break up.
Kristen asks Heidi if any part of her wants to move in with Spencer. Because asking Heidi what she wants is the surefire solution to her problem. Heidi wants to be a princess! Yaaay!
Heidi responds that most of her wants to move in, but there's a big part of her that doesn't. So let me get this straight. One part of Heidi is saying YES! Another part is saying NO! And earlier, a third part was screaming I DON'T KNOW! Well, you can't say that Heidi hasn't covered her bases. How about throwing in a MAYBE! in there as well?
Heidi then asks if either of them have moved in with their boyfriends. Elodie is like, "I've never lived with a guy." Why? Because her boyfriend is obsessed with his brother, and will never move out. Umm...yeah, that's going to be awkward when you get married...
Kristen, on the other hand, says she's lived with "almost every boyfriend I've ever had." Can you say SLUT? She then admits that "It's not always a good thing." Well, maybe if you were a little more discerning over who you lived with instead of sharing your toothbrush with every man in LA, you'd have a little better success.
As an aside, did anybody else notice that Heidi's co-workers are supposed to reflect the audience? First the audience identifies with them when they say they don't understand why Heidi is still considering moving in with Spencer. Then they cover the range of "prude-who-never-moves-in" to "slut-who-always-moves-in" to appeal to a broad range of people. If that isn't a blatant move to try to draw us into the world of The Hills, then I don't know what is. Nice job, producers! We are now all Heidi's wannabe sidekicks!
They end this fruitful conversation by telling her that they are Heidi's friends and that they think Heidi shouldn't move in with Spencer. Yes, because if Heidi moves away from Lauren, then there goes their meal ticket! I smell the scent of self-preservation in the air. Actually, if I were them, I'd be snuggling up to LC right about now.
Back at Teen Vogue headquarters, Amy is telling Whitney that they're looking for one or two special someones who will know everything that happens BEFORE it happens. Ahhhh, so that's their big secret. They employ the minions of Cleo. Well, I certainly did not know that a big string of jellyfish were going to attack Whitney's neck, so I guess that takes me out of the running.
Well, aside from the whole precognition bit, Amy also wants to know a little bit of what Whitney's taste is. Well, I would say she likes jellyfish and fetlocks. OK, I'm not a big fashion maven, but this is clearly not the right look for Whitney. Seriously, what is that all about? Or here's an even better idea: Why doesn't Amy just watch a season of The Hills? What better way to know what person's tastes are than to have cameras follow them watching their every move?
Whitney is strangled by jellyfish.
Whitney has cute little black fetlocks on her horsie hooves. At the end of the interview, she gives her the standard spiel about how there are a lot of girls applying for the position (no guys? That's sexist!) and there's only one position (what happened to looking for TWO people?) Of course, Whitney can't resist telling them that if they hire Emily, then Lauren will quit her job and Teen Vogue can say goodbye to all that free MTV publicity!
We go back to the lair of Brent Bolthouse, where the girls are busy working at some desks that are right behind the couches they were previously sitting at. What kind of office layout is this? Anyways, Heidi gets a call from Spencer, who wants her to ditch work for a "surprise". Hmmm...I wonder what the surprise could be? Will he surprise her with flowers for Lauren? Maybe he'll surprise her with a couple of Hooters girls hanging off his arms. Oh I know, maybe it'll be the ultimate surprise of a complimentary dinner at DON ANTONIO'S!!
As Heidi heads out to claim her special surprise, Elodie asks her where she's heading. Heidi says she's just going to break and that she'll be right back. Odds of Heidi returning to work that day: a little olive to one.
Heidi heads out to meet Spencer in front of a big apartment. I was secretly hoping against hope that Heidi would just ditch him and leave him with that disgusting grin on his face all day. How long do you think Spencer would have waited there for her to arrive? An hour? Two hours? Four? Ahhh...one can only dream...
Spencer does a little drumroll as Heidi enters the apartment, only it ends up sounding like a dying burglar alarm. "HEY!" he yelled to the doorman inside, "DON'T LOOK AT ME! THAT'S ASSAULT! I'm gonna blow on my drumroll! TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTTT!"
Anyhoo, Spencer opens the door to his new apartment, declaring, "Here's your surprise!" I just have to say, that's probably the most anti-climatic surprise ever. And then instead of letting Heidi enjoy her "surprise", he immediately stops her and tells her to check out the cool skylight. And the cool kitchen. And the cool...well, there's nothing else in the apartment, but it's really cool. Really. Because his parents are paying for it. And nothing says cool than a guy who does nothing but mack on girls all day and lives off his parents' money.
Understandably, though, Heidi is not exactly thrilled with this little surprise. After all, the last time they were together, Spencer was all, "Get out of my car!". Tsk, tsk, Heidi. Didn't you know that if you had stuck around a little longer, Spencer would have added, "And get into my new apartment!"
Seriously though, what part of this whole plan makes any sense? Heidi's like, "I don't want to move in with you, Spence." So Spencer very logically argues, "I know you don't want to move in with me," Spencer says, "but I got a new place so you should move in with me!" Unfortunately for us, the part of Heidi that wants to move in with Spencer says "YES! I'll move in with you and we can have lots of babies in our non-furnished apartment!"
But before she caves in, Heidi wants to make sure that Spencer isn't as douchebag-like as he's appeared in the past. First, she wants to make sure that there won't be any messing around, that there won't be any playmates, and that it'll just be the two of them. "Deal," says Spencer. Translation: Deal out the playmates!
Next, Heidi wants to make sure Spencer doesn't hang out with lots of girls at clubs. Spencer says "It's just a night out with a bunch of girls." He then adds, "Nothing says I love you more than wanting to spend every night dancing with a bunch of girls."
I'm sorry, I just can't get over how freaky his smile is.Heidi confronts him by asking him whether a night with the girls will happen again since he clearly thinks it's not a big deal. "Um..." Spencer manages intelligently. He clearly wants to say "Yes! I will spend my nights AND days with lots of girls!", but he knows that's not the way to answer the question. You can see him struggling to come up with a lie. If I can't say yes, then what are my other options? How about maybe? No, that's no good. What about I don't know? Nah. I know! I'll lie by saying "No, it will not happen again!" Girls, if your boyfriend takes longer than four seconds to answer a question like this, then you're in Spencer territory (I counted). Actually, who knows how many minutes of internal Spencer debate MTV left on the cutting-room floor?
Clearly not content with Spencer's four seconds of hesitation, Heidi asks Spencer to promise her that it won't happen. "I....swear." Spencer responds, tacking on another couple seconds of hesitation. Yes, very good Spencer. We've all heard your swearing bleeped out by MTV. But do you promise?
The only two acceptable responses after watching this scene is to either yell at your TV or put your fist through it. Seriously, how does Heidi not tell that Spencer's heart is not into having a one-on-one relationship? All I can say is that the two deserve each other. So good riddance to them and show us more about what Lauren's been up to!
Our fabulous heroine LC (who, I might point out, we have not seen since the OPENING CREDITS -- just who is the sidekick in this show, anyways?) is drinking a fancy beverage with clinking ice cubes the next morning when Heidi comes in and asks what she's up to. Lauren replies that she's off to work. You know what she's talking about, right, Heidi? That little thing that you blew off yesterday and never went back to because you spent the day with Spencer's new apartment?
Heidi relays the good news, while Lauren dons the Mask of Passive Aggression. Heidi justifies her decision by saying, "If I wanna move in, then I should." "But a big part of me doesn't want to move in," she adds. "Maybe. I don't know. What were we talking about again?"
Lauren asks Heidi when she's moving out, because she needs to prepare for the ceremonial Promoting of the Wannabe Sidekick. Heidi says she thinks she's moving out kinda soon. Yeah, way to be specific there. You only THINK you're moving out KINDA soon? So you could be moving out not really soon? I can tell she's really thought this decision out.
Heidi is excited about the upcoming ceremony, so I guess someone should mention that she won't be getting to wear a tiara and be a princess during the promotion. Noooo, more like she's going to be stuck in the mush pot and laughed at.
"Traitor. I hope your next boyfriend is as to Spencer as Spencer is to Jordan.""That's exiciting!" Heidi squeals, "A new roommate who'll be here all the time!" Wow, Lauren doesn't even have to break out the passive aggression -- Heidi just hands it to her. Well, LC's not going to let Heidi go without getting some of her own jabs in, so she says, "What could go wrong?" And then she dumps her clinking ice cubes noisily into the sink. "Your garbage compactor could freeze up and spit out gunk into your face. That's what could go wrong!" With that, Lauren congratulates Heidi haughtily and leaves the room. I think a little bit of Lisa Love is rubbing off on her. Heidi is left to contemplate the horrors of garbage compacting-spit gunk.
"These ice cubes symbolize my burning rage."
Over at Brody's condo, Brody is trying to grasp the reality that his best friend is moving out. "It's like the end of and era!" he sobbed, clutching onto Spencer. "THAT'S ASSAULT!" yelled Spencer. "TRTRTRTRTRTRTRTTT!"
Okay, that didn't actually happen. But we do get to see Brody's obsession with leopard prints. He must have five or six of the spotted blankets just lying around on his couch. Hell, even the shirt he's wearing might as well be leopard print. Has Heidi even seen what qualifies as fashion in Brody's eyes? This is most certainly NOT the Teen Vogue way of doing things!
Brody, master of interior decorating
Brody remarks to Spencer that by moving in with Heidi, Spencer is effectively getting married her. Oh no! Does anybody know the number of a good divorce lawyer for Kristen? I hear she's married like, almost every boyfriend she's ever had!
Spencer says he's not getting married, because if he was, then he'd have to buy a ring, and there's no way he's buying Heidi a ring. Oh, Spencer. Why don't you just get one from your Archangella? I'm sure Heidi would love a tacky, faux-gothic ring with a big flower on it. It'd make her feel like a real princess! Even better, you could even turn around and give it to Emily later that same day! It's a two for one!
Anyhoo, Brody cuts to the chase and asks the one question that we've all been dying to hear answered for the past month. "Why do you have to move in with her?" Yeah! Great job with the feeding of lines, producers! Brody is so nervous that he might flub this that he has to physically lick his lips immediately after saying it. WHEW! Good thing they didn't have to rely on J-Wahl to say something so complex (mumble, mumble...).
Spencer says that it's because Lauren is ruining their relationship. "Any time that girl comes around, there's a problem. Because she hates me." Ahhh, so that's why LC hasn't seen the couch better known as Tarzan's jungle. Basically, Spencer is saying that he wants to get back at Lauren and he's doing so by taking away her best friend. Well, I NEVER! What IS the world coming to these days? Whatever happened to true and innocent love between a boy and a girl?
Brody, having been in two-timing situations before (see, Jenn Jenner vs. Lauren Conrad), asks Spencer how he's going to be able to go out with the boys since Heidi's going to have him on a tight leash now. That Brody is a smart cookie. Always thinking ahead. But he's no match for the Spencer, the master of six-timing! Spencer points out his uber plan, Team Homeboy Phone! Whenever the guys want to go out, all they need to do is call Homeboy Phone and Spencer will be out partying at the clubs with the Playmates! Go Team! Although, wouldn't it be a little suspicious when somebody calls him and Spencer has to take both of them out to see which one is ringing?
Spencer closes out this charming little scene by declaring that "I was born a player. I'm not going to change, Spencer's Spencer." Excuse me, I'm going to have to take a little break while I find another TV, because I just punched a hole in the one I was using. If Heidi doesn't turn around and immediately break up with Spencer after watching this air, then I fear for humanity. On the other hand, if she did break up with him, then the universe would implode into a little olive, so I'm a little torn about the outcome.
Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren decides to call Whitney up to see how she's doing. "I forgot to put a blank Sticky on my monitor!" Whitney wails. "Now I'll forget to do all the important tasks I wrote on it!" Whitney also mentions that it's cold in New York.
Well, maybe if you weren't so interested in showing off your long horsie legs and instead wore some regular clothes, you wouldn't be complaining so much!
Lauren brings Whitney up to speed on Heidi's situation and the fact that Heidi is moving out. "Oh my gosh, are you serious?" Whitney gushes. "When can I move in?" she adds. OK, she didn't say that, but she was definitely thinking it with her huge, pleading, wannabe sidekick eyes. Whitney says that she'll be back tomorrow morning to present her credit report and references for the official sidekick application.
Can you imagine how awesome it would be if Whitney moved in with Lauren? Then the next season can be all about what happens if you live with your boss and get into fights? Yeah, sign me up! It's officially got a Season Pass on my TiVo!
Then we get a shot of some random guy in a T-shirt running across the hills, before we see Lauren coming home from work. She glances curiously at the boxes and suitcase outside before opening the door, where she's greated with the sight of Heidi trying to figure out how to use the packing tape dispenser.
The box labelled "Heidi" is for stuff that belongs to Heidi. As opposed to, you know, stuff that belongs to "Bedroom"Heidi tells her that she's packing because she's moving out today. "Today?!" Lauren exclaims. Please note that the girls are both wearing the same outfit that they had on when Heidi mentioned that she was moving out "kinda soon." So Heidi gave LESS THAN ONE DAY'S NOTICE. And oh yeah, Heidi had to have ditched another day of work in order to pack everything up.
As Lauren contemplates how far behind she is in preparation for the Promoting of the Wannabe Sidekick (fly back quicker, Whitney!), Heidi talks about how she wants to make more of an effort to show up for Taco Tuesdays. Wait, Taco Tuesdays? What happened to Lauren and Heidi day?
Lauren shoots back with "What's the difference between you moving out? You don't do it now and you live with me." OH NO SHE DI'NT! Don't worry, Lauren. You see, there's a big part of Heidi who really wants to join you every week for Taco Tuesdays, but most of her doesn't want to.
Heidi is a little sad because she doesn't want this to be the end of their friendship, but Lauren shoots back, "Well, it might be, Heidi." Awk...ward... Lauren continues on saying that "It sucks, and you were my best friend, that I moved here with..." Oh, she's talking about Heidi in the past tense now. YOU'RE DEAD TO ME! YOU HEAR ME? DEAD TO ME!
We next see all of Heidi's stuff packed into a U-Haul (can you say free advertising?), and it's time for the lead up to the big farewell scene that they've been replaying over and over this week. Disconcertingly, the cameraman decides to include a stumpy, yellow fire hydrant in the shot, which just really ruined the whole mood for me. It looked like a lost child trapped in the middle of a yucky divorce.
Lauren tells Heidi that she can always come back, becuase, you know, this is only GOODBYE FOR NOW (dunh dunh DUNH!). After a bunch of awkward words, Heidi takes off and doesn't even offer to call when she gets to her new digs. What's up with that? I mean, Lauren promised to call when she got to Malibu. The least Heidi could do is return the favor.
Heidi gets into the U-Haul (only $79.99!) and Spencer asks her why she looks so serious. Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because she's leaving her best friend and feels sad about it. What did you expect? Did you want her to be jumping up and down because she gets to move in with the Douchebag of the Century? Oh wait, that's exactly what he expects her to be doing.
Spencer assures her that this is "the best choice, ever." Personally, I would have thought that the steak at DON ANTONIO'S was the best choice ever, but whatever. Heidi has a look on her face that says, "Then why do I feel so crappy about leaving LC and her retinue of MTV cameras?"
Spencer asks Heidi if she's ready to go, which was just asking for another can of yes/no/I don't knows to pour forth, but Heidi assured him that she was ready. So the U-Haul sallied forth (Price, Selection, Convenience! Call 1-800 GO U HAUL!), leaving Lauren and the forlorn yellow fire hydrant behind to burst into watery tears as Avril sings in the background.
Waaaaah!
The next day, Heidi is miraculously back at work having missed at least two days in a row of back-breaking start work/finish work. Apparently, the two days of non-work led to a promotion because Heidi's now sitting at a much nicer desk with nice paneling, and she's now outside the breakroom with easy access to the coffee and microwave instead of behind the couches with easy access to the People magazines.
Elodie comes out with her hair dyed red, and Heidi exclaims that it is a life-changing event. Well how convenient? Because Heidi just happened to go through a life-changing event herself. "I put on a different outfit today. That is so life-changing! Oh, and I also moved in with Spencer, but that is not at all comparable to your life-changing hair color!"
Elodie pauses for a moment, trying to figure out how to express herself. "After all my grown-up advice to you..." she shriekds. Way to call yourself old there, Elodie. And your grown-up advice largely consisted of complaining how your boyfriend is more in love with his brother than with you.
Heidi assures her that Elodie's advice was "just what I needed to hear to make the decision." Huh? So, Elodie told you to not move in with Spencer, and she listened to that advice to come to the conclusion that she should move in with Spencer. Well, once again, the universe is saved from olivehood.
Then Heidi starts talking about how she's going to cook Spencer dinner tonight. She should really check in first to see if Spencer has any plans with Playmates. And Heidi's never cooked before either. She's going to try to make pasta. May I suggest that you first try your hand at making some delicious tepid water?
Next the two of them spend an inordinate amount of time trying to remember what you call the equipment that's used for cooking. Yes, they could not come up with the words "pot" and "pan". Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the newest member of the Brain Trust, Elodie Has-Not-Lived-With-A-Boyfriend!
Night falls over the city, and we get to see one last shot of the Villas at Park La Brea we all know and love as Hillside Villas. Lauren comes back home and we see that there are still many boxes littering the floor. Either a) Spencer couldn't be bothered to carry all the boxes down to the moving van (where was the van from again? I forget), or b) Lauren found another sidekick! Oh, please let it be Whitney!
Lauren takes out some fancy glasses to go with the champagne and the pizza she brought home for dinner. But she takes out two glasses? Intrigue! Maybe she's getting ready for a hot date? After all, nothing is more romantic than bubbly champagne, greasy pizza, and spit-gunk from the sink!
Much to my disappointment though, out comes THE DRINA, who apparently beat out Whitney for the position of sidekick #1. Lauren remarks that pizza and champagne are the "best combo ever." I disagree! Whitney and Lauren are the best combo ever! *sigh*
Well, the champagne is to celebrate Lauren and Audrina's first night together as roomies, so they pop the cork with much fanfare and screaming and spraying, and at the end Audrina remarks that her box is all wet, which if you ask me is a pretty scandalous statement when taken out of context.
Lauren mentions "It's kind of weird, not having Heidi in our apartment anymore." Uh oh...LC still thinks of the place as belonging to Heidi and herself. If I were Audrina I don't think I'd unpack all those boxes yet... Just for fun, Audrina asks Lauren, "Hey, what if Heidi breaks up with Spencer and then wants to be sidekick #1 again and everything to be the same?" Lauren replies, "You know what, it kinda would be." Dunh dunh DUNH! Way to shatter Audrina's hopes and dreams there, Lauren.
Lauren: "I'm sure my new roommate is really happy."
Lauren then makes a toast. "To my new roommate, there's no one I'd rather live with." CLINK! "Except, of course, Heidi," she adds. Next season, the claws are going to come out as Audrina and Heidi fight for roommate priviledges! MREOW!
Finally, over at Speidi's apartment, our two little lovebirds are enjoying their pasta and disappointingly not retching from the taste. I'll just pretend that they got food poisoning later from the spit-gunk that Heidi mistakenly put in the sauce. Spencer rejoices not in the fact that he loves that Heidi is now living with him, but that "Lauren's gotta be going crazy without you." Where would the world be without such loving sentiments?
Spencer is still a little mad that it seemed like Heidi wouldn't move in with him until the producers had enough material to create a whole season's worth of compelling TV, so Heidi tells him about how she had to break her promise of not moving in with any guy until they had been dating for two years. As the seriousness of her decision begins to sink into Spencer's psyche, we see his eyes start to dart back and forth furtively, as if he's trying to figure out a way out of his predicament. And we end with a shot of the two of them in their furniture-less apartment.
Biggest. Douchebag. Ever.
What did you guys think? Will Heidi come to her senses and break up with Spencer? Is Audrina a better match for Lauren than Whitney? Will there even be a season 3 for us to find out? Discuss!
