I came to the realization today that I've been filling myself with unrealistic expectations. There's no simple fix or easy way out of my problems. I have to accept the fact that my problems will not be going away soon.
It's such a shame, too. What used to be such an enjoyable social network for me has now turned into a place of so much unhappiness. Luckily, through the grace of Sandy and Hanlin and so many other people, I may have found a new group that it so much more loving and accepting.
Unfortunately, I have obligations to keep with my old network, and so I can't take the easy way out by abandoning them. But I must remember to keep my expectations realistic. It's not right of me to place my friends in a position where they would have to choose one side or another. I have to realize that it will not be a happy place for me. And everytime I go, I will have to deal with it on my own. Using inner strength, and not relying on others or expecting others to be able bring me joy in those times.
I place my trust that things will eventually get better. Not in days or weeks, but in months or years. The suffering is for me and me alone to endure. And they do not deserve to ever know me, or the sacrifices I make for them.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Joss Whedon is genius. Illyria is another take on the aftermath of relationships (different from what Angelus represents in terms of relationships). I feel like Illyria is a good representation of what I'm going through. Obviously though, I don't want it to turn out the same way....hahaha. Gotta find a different way to handle it than what Wes did....
Busy busy busy....So I took some vacation to kind of get away from work a little bit. After taking over for P352 for Paul when he was on vacation and P455 for Leon when he was on vacation and then finally getting P413 from Liping, I felt a bit burned out. So I took some vacation and expected to sit around, enjoy some down time and get random stuff done.
So what did I do? I ended up filling up all my time with stuff to do...hahaha. But I'm enjoying myself and I'm really glad I took the time off.
Saturday Patricia and Jon came over and we went out to TGIF and played mini-golf and then just hung out at home. That was nice since I haven't seen them for a while and we had a lot of fun, especially going around and getting scared in Fatal Frame II.
Sunday I went to a BBQ with Sandy and met a lot of people. That was a lot of fun, and Sandy's bread pudding was once again delicious. Listening to Pastor Dan though, I wasn't quite too sure about the message he was giving. I think the extension of his line of thought gets too close to becoming something where you don't help yourself at all, but just sit there and wait for God to provide everything. It's important to go out and be self-sufficient on your own. But I agree that you don't want to be totally self-reliant. Because you can't always help yourself, and you need someone else or another group of people to help you out.
Monday the schedule was originally to go out for dinner in SF with Sandy, Jefferey, Amy, and some other people, but since Sandy had to bail, it got postponed. That was a little disappointing since that meant I was free for practice on Monday. But I guess I was sort of obligated to go to work out the details of the demo and stuff.
Tuesday was the actual demo (messed up my toe a little bit), and then I went to the Computer History Museum for the alumni fair. And then finally I joined Hanlin's group to have dinner and go bowling. Hanlin's group is nice. I should ask Sandy if I can tag along for service to see what it's like.
Wednesday I went running with Hanlin. I'm really bad at long distance so it would be nice to build up my endurance. ZLS is always complaining about how I have no endurance.
Today is Thursday. The plan is to pick up Yujing from the airport and help her move in. I'll probably also want to try to drop in to see Matt for a little bit. If I have time afterwards, maybe I can drop by with Byron and friends to play a little X-Men Legends II.
Friday I might help Chris out at some booth or another, and I'm still undecided about going to practice or not. And then afterwards Andrew is having poker at his new place. Originally Sandy and Amy were going to go for dinner with Jefferey up in SF, but apparently that got postponed until next week.
Saturday Leah is coming in to visit the rest of the drawgroup. And there's also a demo going on sometime at night.
Sunday I really would have liked to go to service, but I'm already planning to go to the Time Spiral prerelease with my brother.
So what did I do? I ended up filling up all my time with stuff to do...hahaha. But I'm enjoying myself and I'm really glad I took the time off.
Saturday Patricia and Jon came over and we went out to TGIF and played mini-golf and then just hung out at home. That was nice since I haven't seen them for a while and we had a lot of fun, especially going around and getting scared in Fatal Frame II.
Sunday I went to a BBQ with Sandy and met a lot of people. That was a lot of fun, and Sandy's bread pudding was once again delicious. Listening to Pastor Dan though, I wasn't quite too sure about the message he was giving. I think the extension of his line of thought gets too close to becoming something where you don't help yourself at all, but just sit there and wait for God to provide everything. It's important to go out and be self-sufficient on your own. But I agree that you don't want to be totally self-reliant. Because you can't always help yourself, and you need someone else or another group of people to help you out.
Monday the schedule was originally to go out for dinner in SF with Sandy, Jefferey, Amy, and some other people, but since Sandy had to bail, it got postponed. That was a little disappointing since that meant I was free for practice on Monday. But I guess I was sort of obligated to go to work out the details of the demo and stuff.
Tuesday was the actual demo (messed up my toe a little bit), and then I went to the Computer History Museum for the alumni fair. And then finally I joined Hanlin's group to have dinner and go bowling. Hanlin's group is nice. I should ask Sandy if I can tag along for service to see what it's like.
Wednesday I went running with Hanlin. I'm really bad at long distance so it would be nice to build up my endurance. ZLS is always complaining about how I have no endurance.
Today is Thursday. The plan is to pick up Yujing from the airport and help her move in. I'll probably also want to try to drop in to see Matt for a little bit. If I have time afterwards, maybe I can drop by with Byron and friends to play a little X-Men Legends II.
Friday I might help Chris out at some booth or another, and I'm still undecided about going to practice or not. And then afterwards Andrew is having poker at his new place. Originally Sandy and Amy were going to go for dinner with Jefferey up in SF, but apparently that got postponed until next week.
Saturday Leah is coming in to visit the rest of the drawgroup. And there's also a demo going on sometime at night.
Sunday I really would have liked to go to service, but I'm already planning to go to the Time Spiral prerelease with my brother.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The Five Love Languages
My primary love language is probablyQuality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.
Complete set of results
| Quality Time: | 10 | |
| Acts of Service: | 8 | |
| Physical Touch: | 6 | |
| Words of Affirmation: | 4 | |
| Receiving Gifts: | 2 |
Information
Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.Take the quiz
Somebody show me a result that differs wildly from this. Is anybody really going to be so shallow as to score incredibly high on gifts??
Monday, September 11, 2006
The 2006-07 TV season has begun! Desperately trying to catch up already since I slacked off all summer.
Alias, season 3
Angel, season 5
Desperate Housewives, season 2
ER, lots
Las Vegas, season 1
Grey's Anatomy, season 1
24, season 1
9/10, The Simpsons
9/11, Prison Break
9/12, House
9/12, Standoff
9/12, Battlestar Galactica
9/13, Bones
9/13, Justice
9/18, The New Adventures of Old Christine
9/18, How I Met Your Mother
9/22, Ghost Whisperer
9/28, Supernatural
10/3, Veronica Mars
10/4, Lost
winter, American Idol
midseason, Medium
midseason, Scrubs
Seinfeld, season 2
Robotech, episode 32
9/15, Men in Trees
9/18, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
9/18, The Class
9/19, Smith
9/20, Jericho
9/20, Kidnapped
9/21, Shark
9/21, Six Degrees
9/24, Brothers & Sisters
9/25, Runaway
9/25, Heroes
9/26, Help Me Help You
9/28, Ugly Betty
10/1, The Game
10/3, Friday Night Lights
10/4, Twenty Good Years
10/4, The nine
10/11, 30 Rock
10/17, The Knights of Prosperity
11/15, Day Break
november, Big Day
november, Notes from the Underbelly
Vanished: So much negative publicity on this series. And a bunch of comparisons to Kidnapped, airing later in the season. The problem is that they threw in like every possible hook in the book, to be able expand and throw new twists later on. They do it in too obvious a manner too, which makes the show a little insulting to the viewer.
Celebrity Duets: Reality show. Bleah. I dunno if I'll even watch American Idol this season...
'Til Death: Brad Garrett's new show. Comedy about marriage. I think I'm relating better to the comedies about single relationships.
Happy Hour: Here's a comedy about single relationships, but nothing really drew me in...
I watched A League of Their Own again last night. Stories about people proving they can do more than others believe they can appeal to me. It's also nice to watch a plain movie now and then...one that's not trying to send across a message to the audience (OK, it's talking a little bit about gender/racial equality...). So you can just get involved in the story of these people's lives for a couple hours and escape the real world.
Alias, season 3
Angel, season 5
Desperate Housewives, season 2
ER, lots
Las Vegas, season 1
Grey's Anatomy, season 1
24, season 1
9/10, The Simpsons
9/11, Prison Break
9/12, House
9/12, Standoff
9/12, Battlestar Galactica
9/13, Bones
9/13, Justice
9/18, The New Adventures of Old Christine
9/18, How I Met Your Mother
9/22, Ghost Whisperer
9/28, Supernatural
10/3, Veronica Mars
10/4, Lost
winter, American Idol
midseason, Medium
midseason, Scrubs
Seinfeld, season 2
Robotech, episode 32
9/15, Men in Trees
9/18, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
9/18, The Class
9/19, Smith
9/20, Jericho
9/20, Kidnapped
9/21, Shark
9/21, Six Degrees
9/24, Brothers & Sisters
9/25, Runaway
9/25, Heroes
9/26, Help Me Help You
9/28, Ugly Betty
10/1, The Game
10/3, Friday Night Lights
10/4, Twenty Good Years
10/4, The nine
10/11, 30 Rock
10/17, The Knights of Prosperity
11/15, Day Break
november, Big Day
november, Notes from the Underbelly
Vanished: So much negative publicity on this series. And a bunch of comparisons to Kidnapped, airing later in the season. The problem is that they threw in like every possible hook in the book, to be able expand and throw new twists later on. They do it in too obvious a manner too, which makes the show a little insulting to the viewer.
Celebrity Duets: Reality show. Bleah. I dunno if I'll even watch American Idol this season...
'Til Death: Brad Garrett's new show. Comedy about marriage. I think I'm relating better to the comedies about single relationships.
Happy Hour: Here's a comedy about single relationships, but nothing really drew me in...
I watched A League of Their Own again last night. Stories about people proving they can do more than others believe they can appeal to me. It's also nice to watch a plain movie now and then...one that's not trying to send across a message to the audience (OK, it's talking a little bit about gender/racial equality...). So you can just get involved in the story of these people's lives for a couple hours and escape the real world.
Friday, September 08, 2006
First of all, the only reason why I'm posting this entry is that I'm sure that certain people don't read it.
I'm faced with a dilemma. My friends have advised me that there are two possible paths.
1) That I take the suffering like a man and suppress my urges to retaliate.
2) That I remove myself from any situation in which I may feel the need to retaliate.
I've (perhaps foolishly) come up with another alternative, not necessarily better.
3) That I confront the situation head on.
Since things turned out so horrendously after I ignored my friends' previous advice, let's take a close look at option number 3. Option 3 has the benefit that it seems like it's exactly what I need. But do I want it because it allows me to retaliate? Is retaliating bad? What kind of retaliating falls into the category of going too far?
Option 2 is not something that can go on forever. It'll be good to take a break for a couple weeks until some people get back from vacation. But it's only a holding action that's primarily designed to give me time to get into the right frame of mind to be able to handle option 1. But will it actually provide that, or will I be back with the same problem in two weeks time?
Option 1 has the advantage of allowing me to be able to have the most fun with the situation. Which would be great if I was OK with everything, but I'm not. So the fun is ruined because taking the beating is not fun at all. And there's a big question mark as to whether I'll be able to resist any urge to retaliate. The problem is that it feels like everything is a retaliation, no matter what I do right now. Basically, If I do option 1 now, it seems like every time something happens, I'd have to physically STOP, calm myself down, and mentally tell myself to "be in control, be cordial, don't be a child" Is that a healthy thing to have to constantly do?
You know what? I'm a huge pessimist. I don't think anything's going to change with the situation. I think I'm going to be right back here in 2 weeks with the exact same set of problems. I guess the right choice is to go with option 2 and very gently ease my way into option 1. This is not an either/or proposition, but a gradation. Trying to maintain a certain level of option 2 may also require just a teeny bit of option 3 as well. But a full blown option 3 should probably be held as a last resort.
It all sounds so masochistic. OK. Time to bury this post under pictures.
I'm faced with a dilemma. My friends have advised me that there are two possible paths.
1) That I take the suffering like a man and suppress my urges to retaliate.
2) That I remove myself from any situation in which I may feel the need to retaliate.
I've (perhaps foolishly) come up with another alternative, not necessarily better.
3) That I confront the situation head on.
Since things turned out so horrendously after I ignored my friends' previous advice, let's take a close look at option number 3. Option 3 has the benefit that it seems like it's exactly what I need. But do I want it because it allows me to retaliate? Is retaliating bad? What kind of retaliating falls into the category of going too far?
Option 2 is not something that can go on forever. It'll be good to take a break for a couple weeks until some people get back from vacation. But it's only a holding action that's primarily designed to give me time to get into the right frame of mind to be able to handle option 1. But will it actually provide that, or will I be back with the same problem in two weeks time?
Option 1 has the advantage of allowing me to be able to have the most fun with the situation. Which would be great if I was OK with everything, but I'm not. So the fun is ruined because taking the beating is not fun at all. And there's a big question mark as to whether I'll be able to resist any urge to retaliate. The problem is that it feels like everything is a retaliation, no matter what I do right now. Basically, If I do option 1 now, it seems like every time something happens, I'd have to physically STOP, calm myself down, and mentally tell myself to "be in control, be cordial, don't be a child" Is that a healthy thing to have to constantly do?
You know what? I'm a huge pessimist. I don't think anything's going to change with the situation. I think I'm going to be right back here in 2 weeks with the exact same set of problems. I guess the right choice is to go with option 2 and very gently ease my way into option 1. This is not an either/or proposition, but a gradation. Trying to maintain a certain level of option 2 may also require just a teeny bit of option 3 as well. But a full blown option 3 should probably be held as a last resort.
It all sounds so masochistic. OK. Time to bury this post under pictures.
I watched Good Night, and Good Luck. The question brought up was whether or not the television industry has an obligation to use the potential of television to inform and educate the public, as opposed to just entertaining them. How many truly educational or informative programs do you watch on TV? And I'm not talking about news programs. Do programs on the History or Discovery channel fulfill this obligation? Does informative subjects brought up in the context of entertaining shows fulfill this obligation?
I also watched V for Vendetta. First of all -- this was by the Wachowski Brothers??! Less thought provoking for me, though. Maybe because the idea that V represents is of course something that one would hope we all strive for. But is the film trying to say that we are in the grips of some sort of totalitarian organization presently? That we are on the verge of falling into one? The link to the outside world seems a little tenuous, but I guess it makes it easier to enjoy the film as just a thriller.
My favorite:
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no more veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
I also watched V for Vendetta. First of all -- this was by the Wachowski Brothers??! Less thought provoking for me, though. Maybe because the idea that V represents is of course something that one would hope we all strive for. But is the film trying to say that we are in the grips of some sort of totalitarian organization presently? That we are on the verge of falling into one? The link to the outside world seems a little tenuous, but I guess it makes it easier to enjoy the film as just a thriller.
My favorite:
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no more veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
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